Hair, Make-up, Clothes, Shoes, Pedicures, Zits, Bulges, Celebrities, And Anything Else That Is Mundane and Shallow


Hair, Make-up, Clothes, Shoes, Pedicures, Zits, Bulges, Celebrities, And Anything Else That Is Mundane and Shallow

I have this habit of composing seemingly long titles, if you happened to notice. [See  Example 1 and 2] This is exactly why my Creative Writing professor failed me in college. He said: “People do not remember long titles…blah blah blah…The first 3 to 5 words of your title determine the success of your story…blah blah blah…Your aim is to be remembered, not be forgotten….blah blah blah…” The man had a point, I could admit that much. But to hell with success and longevity! Who the fukc needs them anyway?! But here’s my opinion:

Three things actually—

One, a short heading compels me to describe what you are supposed to see in a particular article — what it’s about, basically. Now, why the hell should I bother making a title — in-a-nutshell style — when readers can just very well read the whole damned post and get the gist themselves??!!

Two, I’m a lazy person and making a summary heading totally goes against Article Number 1 of Section 3 of my sacred Code of Laziness and I quote – “Thou shall not exert any kind of effort at all times” – unquote.

Three, I have a very short temper and combine that with my flair for the vulgar, I’m likely to call this article, “Go Away, You Fukcing Imbeciles!”  if I’m having a difficult time composing a descriptively short title. But I have to resist the temptation. Believe me, that’s something of a feat for me because I  am not normally  considerate of other people’s feelings. In fact, if I want to be mean, I’d say — “50,301 IMBECILES who have nothing else better to do with their lives have wasted their precious time visiting this blog” — instead of using the rarely used term “nincompoop” — it denotes the same thing, by the way — but I didn’t because I would rather have you go on with your reading as if I just didn’t call you an IMBECILE when in fact I just did. Again. Besides, “nincompoop” sounds pretty much inoffensive to me, don’t you think? Polite even, as opposed to blatantly calling you an IMBECILE. For the nth time.

Alright, say, I’m to write about the mundane things in life, and given that I am a lazy mother effer, I would baptize that post as “The Mundane Things In Life”.  Technically, that’s what my professor would pronounce as an effective title. Five words. Simple. Concise. But if I do just that, then I would be risking having a beautifully written article brushed off just because you don’t know the meaning of “mundane“!

Now, suppose I use the title…

Hair, Make-up, Clothes, Shoes, Pedicures, Zits, Bulges, Celebrities, And Anything Else That Is Mundane and Shallow

I will wager that it wouldn’t give way to any kind of confusion now as to what this post is about. I couldn’t very well type “Hair, Make-up, Clothes, Shoes, Pedicures, Zits, Bulges, Celebrities, And Anything Else That Is Mundane and Shallow” on the heading and not talk about all  of these things,  now could I? But isn’t it dreadfully boring to be reading a seven-paragraph recital of my preference for long titles and see that I am nowhere near the subjects at hand? Well, I figured as much.

So just scratch that, would yah! There, that’s better!

“What the hell was that all about???!”, you might ask. Well, let’s just say that I wanted to waste your time because I wasted mine trying to write a supposedly fantastic article that three-fourths  of the world’s population would find very interesting but it is completely mundane in nature — so mundane, indeed, that it effectively obliterated any interest that I might have had at the very beginning of my sad but  short-lived attempt at mundaneness.

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